Archive for the ‘ Couples ’ Category

One of My Reformation Days

Many today are commenting on Martin Luther, the other Reformers, the Reformation in general, or something along those lines.

Those are very important, and I will undoubtedly share something in the future.

Today, however, instead of focusing on the 95 Theses of Luther, I will do my wife a favor.

You see, we met ten years ago on this day. And what she did not know that day ten years ago was that I had a list of things God and I worked out to find my future wife. (She learned of the list just a few weeks later, but she has not seen/heard the entire list … until today!)

The incredibly shortened, Readers-Digest-version of the story is this:

On the Ides of March of 2007, I ended a previous engagement. I had come to realize that we were not as compatible with each other as we could be, and there were many factors in play in that decision, including a deviation from biblical standards of relationships, if you dig.My Reformation Day/Halloween Costume 2017, Beatnik Daniel

A mere two weeks after that, I was ready to simply swear off marriage to “be as I am,” according to Paul (1 Corinthians 7:7). Instead, I was led to create a list of attributes to confirm a particular woman was my wife.

Then, ten years ago today, my life was reformed when I met my wife.

Interestingly, we half-met when I was having a civil debate with an unorthodox Jew about the anti-Semitic writings of Martin Luther … and then fully met on the way to a Campus Crusade for Christ costume party, at which we shared her costume. (Hence our dressing up in matching costumes each year.)

Anyway, without further ado, here are my 17 Theses of my Relational Reformation (first the more fleshly, then the more godly, but I will leave much of the fulfillment of these between the two of us for now!):

  1. I should find her attractive.
  2. We should have a similar sense of humor.
  3. We will be fascinated by the mundane and the spectacular.
  4. We will be able to have intelligent conversations.
  5. We will be able to be silly with each other.
  6. She will seek clarity in all things. (Friends call us both “clarifiers.”)
  7. She will be willing to think and change.
  8. She will have dramatic changes in her life so that we can be together. (When we met, she was attending the Mormon church and was dating someone else.)
  9. She will have a passion for God.
  10. She will love kids. (She is a wonderful Kindergarten teacher, now! She demonstrated that passion when we met.)
  11. She will be passionate about people.
  12. She will challenge me to go deeper with God.
  13. She will be willing to serve anyone, any time.
  14. She will desire that others know God’s love.
  15. She will be tender toward the needy.
  16. She will feel the need for forgiveness.
  17. She will forgive me.

It literally took 17 days for her to fulfill everything on this list. Not one every day, as we did not see each other every single day, but on November 16, she only had (from my perspective) two more to meet … the last two … and that morning she met them.

It has been a great 10 years! Not always easy. Not always the best. But God brought us together and has brought us through thus far.

Now, I only pray our relationship with each other continues to bless and inspire others to seek God and godly relationships.

May His purity, light, and mercy continue to shine through us!*

(*sidenote: this sentence is a pun on her full name!)

2017
10/31
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Uncoupled Love

I meant to post this earlier, but some sort of a spambot thing got to me through the blog. I took time to make sure my computer and those I communicate with would be safe!

In this little series on Valentine’s Day, I have looked at the history of the holiday, what it means for singles, and also for couples. What about that difficult issue of those who are no longer married?

Divorce

Why is it difficult?

Too many this is obvious: Divorce and Death. One is considered a sin and the other too painful to consider for most (and sometimes both can have swapped meanings or even both).

I will not get into the topic of the obvious sins of divorce or murder, but I will mention that Genesis (not the band) and Jesus both talk about becoming one flesh not getting a divorce. I think, for most people who might stumble across this blog, these are understood. I also have a feeling I will blog about this in the future.

When it comes to divorce, I can not and will not judge. As Jesus mentioned in Mark 10, no man should separate and marrying a divorceѐ is considered adultery. So is lusting. I am guilty of adultery.

When it comes to the widowed, my heart goes out to you, but I obviously do not truly understand. You were one flesh, so it is as if you lost half of yourself. I do not want to imagine losing my wonderful wife, so I cannot completely feel your pain. C. S. Lewis helped me with A Grief Observed, but again, I cannot fathom that pain right now.

For starters, if you have been through a divorce or lost a spouse, all of the points I discussed in the previous posts apply.

I think Paul explained things best in 1 Timothy 5 (and I think that it applies to divorcees as well as those who are widowed, male and female) (Taken from the NIV):

 3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. 4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. 5 The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. 6 But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Give the people these instructions, so that no one may be open to blame. 8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

 9 No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, 10 and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord’s people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds.

 11 As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. 12 Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. 13 Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to. 14 So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander. 15 Some have in fact already turned away to follow Satan.

 16 If any woman who is a believer has widows in her care, she should continue to help them and not let the church be burdened with them, so that the church can help those widows who are really in need.

I think some advice my own lovely mother gave this past week applies perfectly:

My husband and I kept it very simple, but shared the evening with our bible study group doing a shared dinner. Yes I bought pink table cloths and red napkins at the dollar store and put candles and hershey kisses down the center of the table. However the fun was sharing a holiday with friends!

My suggestion for next year for singles and couples alike…spend the day being like Jesus… let everyone you know how blessed you are to have each and every one of them in your life! A simple note, a helping hand, and hug and a Thank you! I’m sure most people would be surprised to discover how many people would return the “love”.
If we could all focus on what we can give and not what we get…we would be far richer and happier than what money can buy!!

I think there are some people in this world who have this figured out (and for the record, I had no idea what my parents did for Valentine’s Day until she made this comment).

Valentine’s Day is a day to honor a man who honored God, so maybe that should be our example, eh?

If we know each other, you should know how much I truly love you. Not in the mushy, lovey-dovey way, but in the “I would do anything for you … even if I am not happy with you at this moment or you are my favorite person” kind of a way. Seriously, you are my family, because even if we are not related by birth many of us are related by Christ’s blood!

If we do not know each other, believe it or not I still love you! Why? Firstly because God loved you and me first. Secondly, I love you because I remember the need to be loved.

Single, dating, married, divorced, widowed, whatever, we are all in this together. In Christ we are empowered, so naturally I encourage all to follow Him. Either way, life is better when we do it together. Remember that. Not only Valentine’s Day but always.

I love you.

God loves you.

2011
03/01
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Coupled Love

In the last post I discussed singles and Valentine’s Day. I hope I got the point across that instead of hatCute coupleing the day it is a day to work on our relationship with God and being a person who is easier to love.

Today’s post is for couples.

Everyone talks about how Valentine’s Day is the holiday of love and couples. I mentioned on Valentine’s Day the focus of St. Valentine, including that he is the patron saint of couples and marriage (amongst several other, sometimes almost silly in relation, things).

I have been reading a lot of blogs about love this month (go figure). The Church of No People dedicated the whole month to how we view love and relationships.

I can keep this pretty short, really.

Keep God first.

Now, if you are like me, that seems pretty “Duh!” but ends up being hard to do. If you are like me, perhaps this is one area where you understand Paul’s sentiments. If you are like me, you struggle with keeping God first in every other area of your life let alone your relationship.

First I am going to talk to those who are dating or engaged. If you do not have your relationship with God figured out properly (being that He is first in everything), then your relationship is already in danger. Doomed? No. Many couples survive and even remain healthy without God being a part, but you are definitely in danger. Loving God helps you love people better, especially your significant other. Knowing God better helps you know yourself better which helps you know your significant other better. As C.S. Lewis said, “When I have learned to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.”

One argument for getting to know our “earthly dearest” more is to live together before getting or deciding to get married. This is dangerous since it can lead to having sex if you are not already. The first argument for this is that “biblical marriage started at consummation, so we are married when we have sex!”

No. If this is true, then men and women get married all the time to prostitutes. Also, we see evidence of ceremonies throughout the Bible, as well. We also need to consider something from the New Testament: obey the laws of the land. If it does not go against God and His commands, then we should follow it. According to most countries (including the U.S.) you are not married until you have been through the ceremony that joins you together (whether a civil union or in a religious ceremony). (I will leave homosexual unions/marriages and other things for another day) Therefore, in our land, you are not married until you have the paper saying so. NO SEX!

Back to living together, it is a horrible idea. For starters, how often did people do it before the last few decades? Relatively few. How many relationships fare well? Less than those who wait until marriage. (Evidence is also found here and here.)

It is best to wait until marriage for a lot of things. Take it from one (two counting my wife as a separate entity even though the Bible says we are one, now) who knows. As I mentioned in the last post, I broke promises I made to myself, my future wife, and God. One of those: I would wait until marriage to have sex. Two reasons: I did not want to get a disease and I did not want kids too early.

Seriously. The only safe sex is no sex. No protection of any sort is foolproof.

I was engaged once before I met my now-wife. My ex and I convinced ourselves that we were in love and getting married, so why not? After several months and the relationship coming to an end, I wondered if a woman could ever love me for what I had done. It turns out my wife felt the same way about herself. God’s forgiveness and grace is a marvelous thing. Neither of us thought we could be so happy with another person.

For those in a relationship before marriage, Valentine’s Day is not a chance to learn how well you “fit together” in the most literal sense. It is a time to thank God for the love you have found with another. The focus is God, not each other.

(It is okay to celebrate by expressing your love through gifts and actions, just keep it G-rated, people!)

For you married couples, listen to that last piece of advice for un-marrieds: Thank God for what He has given you! The only difference: you are allowed to demonstrate this gratitude in physical ways. In fact, I encourage you to show your spouse your affections in this way!

As I said, God needs to be first. We are told to submit to each other for Christ’s sake. Wives submit to husbands as we submit to Christ. Husbands love wives as Christ loves the Church.

How can we do this if we do not know Him? This is not “women, give up your lives and do whatever the man says” or “men, you can do whatever you want and she has to comply!” This is mutual submission and respect and love. Ephesians 5:1 says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (NIV). I like how Rachel Held Evans put it over at The Church of No People (in the comments): “My husband and I like to think of “submission” in terms of humility, not hierarchy. It’s an attitude that works best when adopted by both partners.” It takes humility, thinking of the other as better than yourself.

That is good advice for un-marrieds, too. Couples and singles.

2011
02/23
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